JOKE OF THE DAY

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 20th, 2018, 5:07 pm

: A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

Witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches."

Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 20th, 2018, 5:10 pm

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 21st, 2018, 4:18 pm

Billy and Bubba, two farmers from a small town outside of Little Rock, Arkansas, were walking home together after each had purchased a pig. Billy said to Bubba, "How are we going to tell them apart?"

Bubba answered, "We'll cut the left ear off of your pig." And so they did.

After a while, the pigs got into a fight and they had bitten off each others ears. Billy asked, "Now what are we going to do?"

"Well, how about if we cut the tail off of my pig?" Bubba replied.

"That sounds like a good plan to me," Billy agreed.

A little while later, the pigs got into another fight, and when it was over, they were both missing their tails.

"What will we do now?" Bubba asked Billy.

After giving it some thought, Billy replied, "Well, we could cut the leg off of yours."

"That's not humane!" Bubba cried.

So after some more thought, Billy said, "Well, let's do this. We'll just call the white one yours and the black one mine."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 25th, 2018, 1:22 pm

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 25th, 2018, 1:23 pm

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 25th, 2018, 1:28 pm

When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage.

One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran's Administration hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA: "Right war, wrong side."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 27th, 2018, 1:43 pm

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room at a doctor’s office and approached the desk.

The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.

‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.

Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out and came back again after a moment.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.

‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.

‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 27th, 2018, 1:43 pm

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 28th, 2018, 6:59 pm

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » December 28th, 2018, 7:00 pm

Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?"

Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:05 pm

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer, “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:05 pm

A man finally summons the courage to go sky diving for the very first time. The preparation and plane flight go smoothly, but immediately after jumping from the plane, he is unable to get his parachute to deploy. As he hurtles towards the earth, he is shocked to see a man rocketing upwards toward him. As they pass in the air, the skydiver yells, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

The second man responds, "No. Do you know anything about gas grills?"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:06 pm

Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:06 pm

Old Josh sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars.

“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”

“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:07 pm

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:08 pm

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties!”

The other responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read ‘From all of us at the Fire Station we will never forget you!



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:08 pm

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 2nd, 2019, 5:09 pm

Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up as I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that about?"

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken!!!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:29 pm

An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three Sons-in-law.

One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings “Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!”

Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The second son-in-law too jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings “Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!”

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wordings, “Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:29 pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

With just $1 left, she realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. ” How will she know what you mean, if you only send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it very slowly.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:32 pm

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:32 pm

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:33 pm

: As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 8th, 2019, 5:34 pm

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone.

Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back."

"But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two."

"Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 14th, 2019, 12:46 pm

There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. Unaware of its power, three roommates, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, purchased the mirror and installed in their bathroom

One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself “I’m the smartest woman ever!” She immediately dropped dead.

The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself “I’m the prettiest woman alive!” She immediately dropped dead.

Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself “I think,” and dropped dead.



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