JOKE OF THE DAY

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 14th, 2019, 12:47 pm

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 22nd, 2019, 6:31 pm

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is numbered."

The second one said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up, and everything inside is color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their head and tail are interchangeable."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 22nd, 2019, 6:31 pm

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!”

Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?”

Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 22nd, 2019, 6:32 pm

Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.

His wife asked him: “What’s the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?”

He replied: “I heard one of the nurses say ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you,” said his wife. “What’s so frightening about that?”

“She was talking to the surgeon!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 22nd, 2019, 6:32 pm

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » January 22nd, 2019, 6:34 pm

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by ajfoxy » January 25th, 2019, 2:44 am

Hahaha... that would be right.


Learning generally boils down to "Repetition or the avoidance of pain", some people learn by doing, some by watching and some just have to pee on the electric fence.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. Henry Ford

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » February 15th, 2019, 6:55 pm

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » February 15th, 2019, 6:56 pm

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » February 15th, 2019, 6:56 pm

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » February 15th, 2019, 6:57 pm

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

"You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:07 pm

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:08 pm

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that, the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that one of them didn't have a swimming pool, and I didn't think that was good enough for ya. So I had a pool installed and the clubs are all ready for you now!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:08 pm

: A man was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator. But a woman who was already in the elevator told him firmly: “Sir, there is no smoking in this hospital!”

“I’m not smoking, lady,” replied the man.

“But you have a cigar in your mouth!”

“Yes, and I’m wearing jockey shorts, but I’m not riding a horse!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:08 pm

An older man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application for the benefit. He doesn’t have a birth certificate, or an ID to prove his age so he opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest. They accept that as a proof of his age and eligibility. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:09 pm

A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.”

“One dollar?” exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, “Could I have steak and chips?”

“Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”

“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:09 pm

Doris Mason, lady living in Ashville, North Carolina, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum cleaners.’

‘Go away!’ said Doris brusquely. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money for new fangled contraptions,’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty,’ he commanded. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her dining room carpet.

‘Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

Doris stepped back and said with a smile, ‘Well let me get you a spoon, young man because Southern Electric cut off my power this morning.’



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:11 pm

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:11 pm

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:12 pm

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’

‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months’ vacation and five good leads …’



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:12 pm

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:13 pm

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:14 pm

: I went to the cardiologist today for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor prepared the machine and began the process of taking a sonogram of my heart.

"Huh," he said. "That's weird."

I stared at him with an expression of curiosity and growing concern. "What?"

"You said you're a law student, right?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," I replied, confused.

The doctor exclaimed, "Well, there's actually a heart in here! Want me to take a picture for you so you can prove it to people once you're an attorney?"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:15 pm

: A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.

All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let’s see yer fishin’ license, boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he doesn’t have one."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2019, 3:15 pm

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they will do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. She tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money on the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs



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