JOKE OF THE DAY

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El Gato
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:42 pm

One evening, a young lady, who lived on 23rd Street in Manhattan, discovered that her toilet was clogged. Since she has never dealt with this issue before, nor did she even have a plunger at home, she called the plumber whose number she saw on one of the ads in the subway. He claimed to be able to unclog any pipe and go where no plumber went before.

At the appointed time, the plumber showed up with a helper. He inspected the toilet and asked his helper for the simple snake. When that failed, he asked for the special toilet pump in size 1. When he used it, he realized the clog needed a much larger tool and asked for pump in size 2, then 3 and then 4. When all failed, he decided to skip right to size 10.

The young lady got worried and exclaimed, “10? I don’t want you to destroy my toilet, just unclog it.”

The plumber assured her not to worry and said the size was just based on the size of the item that was causing the clog. He started the pump and after a few seconds, he saw an item show up in the toilet. At first he thought it was just a large hair ball, but when he pulled it out, he realized it was a whole person! He asked the young man:

“What the heck are you doing here?”

“Me???” exclaimed the man, “What the heck are YOU doing? I was just trying to take a crap at my apartment on 24th Street when I got pulled in.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:43 pm

Three girls worked in the same office for the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. The girls decided that the next day, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout before going on a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:43 pm

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:45 pm

dang! bye!!!
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:28 pm

: A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball. Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside, I can scream.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, “It’s dark in here.” Man, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy, “$750″ Man, “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy, “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. It is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The voice replies, “Don’t you start that crap here.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:29 pm

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well, honey," said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "And how did you and Daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too."

"Well, how were Grandpa and Grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well, darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher, who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:31 pm

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:31 pm

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » Today, 11:45 am

Joke: A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they all walked everywhere they went.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » Today, 11:46 am

: I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » Today, 12:03 pm

An elderly woman returns from her doctor and proclaims that he said that you need to write lists to assist a failing memory.

Her husband explodes with mild invective ending with “I’m NOT making any lists – my memory is OK.”

While watching TV that evening, the wife says “I could just kill for a dish of ice cream.”

“Me too” he exclaims as he totters toward the kitchen.

“With strawberries and chocolate syrup” and then she adds “you better make a list!”

“I saw the freshly cut strawberries and the Hershey’s chocolate syrup is on the top shelf in the refrigerator. So I don’t need your confounded LIST.” The old man bangs around the kitchen for 14 minutes and returns with two plates of bacon and eggs.

His wife looks at her plate and stridently exclaims “See I told you to make a list because you have forgotten my toast.”



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