JOKE OF THE DAY

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El Gato
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:34 pm

JOKE: I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:35 pm

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:35 pm

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I'm at the age where I can't keep up with all the things I hate."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:35 pm

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:36 pm

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she got back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, "Oh, I wrote two checks -- one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry, hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the top of his bald head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:36 pm

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”

I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:36 pm

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me here."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:37 pm

: A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them that can't."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:37 pm

: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What have you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:37 pm

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

#MJPJOKES



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:38 pm

ne of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:38 pm

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:38 pm

On the way home from an office party, a wife said to her middle aged husband: "Have I ever told you how sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"I don't believe you have dear," he replied flattered.

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:39 pm

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 13th, 2018, 12:39 pm

On a hot, sticky afternoon, a man decided to stop in at his favorite pub for a cold, frosty glass of his favorite beverage. He left his companion, a massive Irish Wolfhound, tied to a post just outside. The man was enjoying his beverage when a very upset gentleman came in and asked nervously, "Who owns the Wolfhound outside?"

The owner replied, "I do. Something wrong?"

The other man replied, "Sir, I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."

The Wolfhound's owner was incredulous. "Wha- How- What kind of a dog do you have?"

The nervous gentleman replied, "A Chihuahua."

The man was now even more incredulous. "How in the world could your Chihuahua kill my Wolfhound??"

The gentleman softly replied, "I think he got hung up in his throat.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by ajfoxy » March 13th, 2018, 5:18 pm

El Gato... I've missed this over the last few weeks. Thanks for posting. A belly chuckle is a good thing in the morning.


Learning generally boils down to "Repetition or the avoidance of pain", some people learn by doing, some by watching and some just have to pee on the electric fence.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. Henry Ford

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by Pete Mazz » March 14th, 2018, 4:57 am

:yth:


If it's tourist season, how come I can't shoot 'em?

Don't speak the language? Try this: Smoker Terminology

Try my SmokerBuilder Calculators

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2018, 2:19 pm

Thanks,
Good to know someones are reading them!



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2018, 2:19 pm

A completely naked dude walks into a bar and from the door orders two shots of vodka. The female bartender looks at him intently, scanning his body up and down.

Finally the dude says, "Hey lady, what are you looking at? Haven't seen a naked man before?"

The bartender replies, "Well yes, I have. I am just trying to figure out where you're keeping the cash for the drinks you just ordered."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2018, 2:19 pm

Last year I entered the New York City marathon. The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 14th, 2018, 2:23 pm

daaannggggg
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 15th, 2018, 4:14 pm

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 15th, 2018, 4:15 pm

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.

"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"

"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.

The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"

"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 16th, 2018, 12:31 pm

JOKE: One day a state trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof, and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks. I just bought some."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » March 16th, 2018, 5:56 pm

JOKE: As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."



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