JOKE OF THE DAY

If you just want to shoot the breeze or find out what's going on at SmokerBuilders, try here.
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El Gato
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 4th, 2017, 1:23 pm

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 4th, 2017, 1:23 pm

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Being a Secret Santa is pretty much the only office secret I have ever kept."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 4th, 2017, 1:24 pm

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"A conclusion is the part where you get tired of thinking."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 6th, 2017, 3:40 pm

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I had gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated, but it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc and keep a balance between all colors.

After I got home, I assembled a bowl of peanut M&Ms with equal amounts of green, yellow and red. After I ate it, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 7th, 2017, 1:19 pm

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a thunderbolt,” he said gleaming with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, “What did you teach?”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 7th, 2017, 1:19 pm

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand; and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "

"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful husbands should remember; Fairies are female.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 8th, 2017, 4:30 pm

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.

The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say….”

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”

Sarcastic Al Says:

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » December 8th, 2017, 4:31 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » 21 minutes ago

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in the back of a trailer, drinking a beer and talking about life.

Billy-Bob said, "If I snuck over to your house while you were out fishing and had sex with your wife, and she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit and said, "I don't think so...but it sure would make us even."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Relationships are very much like algebra. You keep looking at your X and wondering where is Y."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » 21 minutes ago

JOKE OF THE DAY: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.

"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » 20 minutes ago

OKE OF THE DAY: "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » 20 minutes ago

A well dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"




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