JOKE OF THE DAY

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:42 pm

One evening, a young lady, who lived on 23rd Street in Manhattan, discovered that her toilet was clogged. Since she has never dealt with this issue before, nor did she even have a plunger at home, she called the plumber whose number she saw on one of the ads in the subway. He claimed to be able to unclog any pipe and go where no plumber went before.

At the appointed time, the plumber showed up with a helper. He inspected the toilet and asked his helper for the simple snake. When that failed, he asked for the special toilet pump in size 1. When he used it, he realized the clog needed a much larger tool and asked for pump in size 2, then 3 and then 4. When all failed, he decided to skip right to size 10.

The young lady got worried and exclaimed, “10? I don’t want you to destroy my toilet, just unclog it.”

The plumber assured her not to worry and said the size was just based on the size of the item that was causing the clog. He started the pump and after a few seconds, he saw an item show up in the toilet. At first he thought it was just a large hair ball, but when he pulled it out, he realized it was a whole person! He asked the young man:

“What the heck are you doing here?”

“Me???” exclaimed the man, “What the heck are YOU doing? I was just trying to take a crap at my apartment on 24th Street when I got pulled in.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:43 pm

Three girls worked in the same office for the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. The girls decided that the next day, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout before going on a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:43 pm

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 10th, 2018, 8:45 pm

dang! bye!!!
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:28 pm

: A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball. Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside, I can scream.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, “It’s dark in here.” Man, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy, “$750″ Man, “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy, “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. It is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The voice replies, “Don’t you start that crap here.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:29 pm

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well, honey," said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "And how did you and Daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too."

"Well, how were Grandpa and Grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well, darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher, who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:31 pm

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 19th, 2018, 12:31 pm

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 23rd, 2018, 11:45 am

Joke: A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they all walked everywhere they went.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 23rd, 2018, 11:46 am

: I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 23rd, 2018, 12:03 pm

An elderly woman returns from her doctor and proclaims that he said that you need to write lists to assist a failing memory.

Her husband explodes with mild invective ending with “I’m NOT making any lists – my memory is OK.”

While watching TV that evening, the wife says “I could just kill for a dish of ice cream.”

“Me too” he exclaims as he totters toward the kitchen.

“With strawberries and chocolate syrup” and then she adds “you better make a list!”

“I saw the freshly cut strawberries and the Hershey’s chocolate syrup is on the top shelf in the refrigerator. So I don’t need your confounded LIST.” The old man bangs around the kitchen for 14 minutes and returns with two plates of bacon and eggs.

His wife looks at her plate and stridently exclaims “See I told you to make a list because you have forgotten my toast.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 25th, 2018, 9:51 am

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”

The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.”

The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?”

Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.”

The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I am going to miss it this time.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 25th, 2018, 9:53 am

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 25th, 2018, 9:54 am

A poor man was poaching lobsters at the beach. A game warden, his first day on the job, saw him and said: “I’m going to have to arrest you. Poaching is illegal.”

“I’m not poaching lobsters.” the man said. “These are my pets. I’m exercising them. I throw them into the sea, then whistle, and they come back.”

“Show me,” the warden said in disbelief.

The man threw the lobsters into the water and started to walk away.

“Wait!” the warden shouted. “Don’t you have to whistle to call the lobsters back?”

The man looked at the warden, paused, and said, “What lobsters?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 25th, 2018, 9:54 am

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer’s heart.

“It was easy,” explained the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 25th, 2018, 11:45 am

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 27th, 2018, 9:26 pm

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » October 29th, 2018, 1:32 pm

A man, desperate to get married after looking for a year and tight on money, finally decides to publish a matrimonial in the local daily.

Not willing to spend too much on the ad, he decides to keep it short. “Urgently needed – one odd wife.” is what his ad said.

The next day he received 459 responses, each saying the same thing-: “Take mine. Will deliver for no extra charge.”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 1st, 2018, 9:56 pm

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 1st, 2018, 9:57 pm

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 4th, 2018, 12:36 pm

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 4th, 2018, 12:37 pm

: A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 5th, 2018, 12:46 pm

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”

“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.” “Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked. She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 5th, 2018, 12:47 pm

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by El Gato » November 5th, 2018, 12:47 pm

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"It's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"



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